The Great Swan Heist
by Dr4g0n Sl4yrrrrr
Summary: Happy visits Fairy Hills with only one thing on his mind-a trip to Erza's massive closet! What could he be planning? How can Bisca help Erza with her problems, and what on Earthland is Juvia thinking? There's only one way to find out how it all ends... Rated T for very slight language towards the end.


**A/N: I will warn you right now, this kind of ended up being a mishmash of stuff! A story, with some added introspective elements, examining some of the characters and their motivations. But hey, I wrote it in one three-hour sitting, so it's totally worth reading right? :D**

**SPOILER ALERT: Inspiration was pulled from at least OVA 1…and I have watched the anime up to episode 143, so there's a possibility that if you haven't seen/read that far…yeah. Nothing serious.**

**Disclaimer: Is this even necessary? lol**

Life for the girls living in Fairy Hills was relatively quiet, when compared to the rowdy atmosphere created in the guild hall. It was a mutual, if silent, agreement between all the residents that this was their sacred space, their own private female domain to which they might escape the testosterone chaos. Despite this, the girls' lifestyle had a peculiar character all its own.

This was especially evident when Happy came to visit…

Nobody could really remember what first brought the blue cat to the dormitory. When they considered it, nobody could really even explain why he was allowed to enter the building. Sure, he was a cat—and while his ability to understand human situations was not really all that uncanny for a cat, clever creatures that they are, he could speak and follow the complex interactions humans partook in, and for all intents and purposes, he could even relate potentially confidential information to outsiders—a.k.a. Natsu and, well let's be honest, just about everyone else the loud-mouthed Exceed came across. When Wendy and Carla moved in, the rules really ought to have been changed, if only for Carla's sake. But they hadn't, and so it was that once again Happy found himself outside the front arch of Fairy Hills ladies' dormitory.

"Heehee." The tiny blue mouth curled upward in glee, eyeing the impressive building. Happy was not generally one for planning things out—something he had picked up from Natsu, surely. Today was something of an exception. He had overheard Macao and Laki in the guild hall earlier that morning, discussing one of Erza's new armored costumes. This exchange reminded him of a certain pink tutu residing in the corner of one of Erza's many rooms. A pink, swan-necked tutu that happened to have come from Natsu. Happy grinned again as he remembered his purpose for visiting the girls dormitory.

"Carlaaaaa!" He called, seeing the prim she-cat stepping daintily next to Wendy. The two had just come out the front doors.

"Hmph!" Carla turned her nose in distaste.

"Happy! It is good to see you! How are you feeling today?" Wendy's sincere interest and unfailing kindness often made up for her Exceed partner's cold attitude. They exchanged pleasantries and Happy explained that Natsu had been sent on a mission with Gray and Gajeel, something that was bound to result in someone ending up in the infirmary. Wendy expressed genuine worry, and Carla sniffed again, commenting that "those idiots have much better things to be doing with their time!" The two girls had to hurry off, however, and Happy continued on his way into the lobby.

It was a warm Saturday, and as such Happy could confidently expect any remaining residents to be enjoying the weather out by the pool. This meant unfettered access to Erza's wing—and yes, her rooms did amount to an entire floor on the left wing. Just to be sure, he had done a quick fly-by of the Fairy Hills grounds. Indeed, he had seen the redhead empress lounging in the water with Bisca.

Happy took his time as he padded through her rooms. It was always interesting to see what she stored here, as the costumes and suits of armor arranged on the many mannequins were "surplus". Only those which she could fit in her dimensional storage were accessible during battle, and to be honest, while each was awesome in its own way (although Happy was not so sure about her Flight Armor, the whole dressed-like-a-cat thing was a little strange…) they got a little boring after a while. Many of the mannequin figures were dressed in fairly generic-looking hunks of metal, although of course knowing Erza, each one possessed unique powers that enhanced her own abilities. For instance, the one Happy was currently examining looked a little…odd…to say the least, but the numerous barbed straps and curiously placed bits of fabric surely had some great, fearsome purpose. Happy spent a few uncomfortable minutes following this line of thought before shaking his head vigorously and moving on. He was on a mission, and could not be distracted.

There it was. In the corner of the third room, the pink tutu was displayed. Rather boldy, if Happy did say so himself. Jutting out from under the frilly skirt was a long, white swan neck. Happy did not know the story behind this particular outfit, only that it had been Natsu's before he gave it to Erza. That had been several years ago, and considering Natsu's _oh so reliable_ memory, Happy suspected that he'd forgotten all about it. Which suited Happy's plans perfectly. He giggled to himself again quietly, not bothering to question why there was suddenly a fish in his mouth. These things just happen. He quickly collected the garment and stuffed it into his green kerchief.

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"B-b-but that's-!" Erza stammered, her body shaking and her eyes wide as she gaped at the green-haired woman next to her. A lot of things had happened during the seven years that Erza and the others were gone. Following her marriage to Al, Bisca had naturally moved away from Fairy Hills. Although she saw them frequently enough at the guild, she enjoyed the privacy the secluded grounds provided and missed the all-female companionship. Now that her daughter Asuka was older it was easier to take some time to herself and catch up with her old friends. As it happened, Asuka was playing in the shallow end of the pool with Levy and Juvia, while Bisca relaxed with Erza far enough away to be out of earshot.

Bisca smiled, Erza had always been deceptively innocent in these matters. "Yes, of course! You know, I don't think that he'd have ever had the nerve to ask me out if I hadn't." It was no secret that Bisca and Al had taken their sweet time in admitting their feelings to one another—but to the mages who had been absent these last seven years, it was indeed quite surprising upon their arrival to see the two not only married, but with a young daughter. Today, it had taken a red-faced Erza several minutes of mumbling and twisting her fingers together to ask Bisca how it had all come about.

"I-I can't believe that's even legal…!" Erza blushed furiously as she hunched over and tried to think. Of course, she'd been the first to meet Bisca and even brought her into the guild, so she knew the sorts of criminal acts the cowgirl had been capable of, but that was back in the day! Surely, such a refined person as Bisca would not still be doing things like…_that!_

"I-is that sort of t-thing…normal, in the West?" She asked haltingly. Bisca threw her head back as she laughed.

"Of course not! But you know how men can be, just look at Jellal!"

"J-Jellal!" Erza faltered, and true to her name, turned even redder. If that was possible. But she also snapped to attention. That name, that boy—no, _man_. Bisca only smiled again. Once, many years ago, Erza had been the one to show her how to survive in the world. Now the roles were practically reversed. Bisca knew she and Al had been silly to spend so much time beating around the bush in their youth. Nearly seven years after their marriage, and with Erza and the others returned, she knew it was time to repay the kindness.

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"Wheeeeee!" Little Asuka cried as she crashed, full-body into the water between the two blue haired mages. Levy laughed openly as she fell backward. Juvia knelt somewhat awkwardly, perhaps unsure of how to behave around the small child. Her own childhood was certainly nothing to draw inspiration from. _Here, let Auntie Juvia show you how to make teru teru bozu while the rain pours outside the windows. Drip drip drop._ Juvia shook her head mentally, of course she had no idea what to do. She eyed Levy's unbridled spirit as she playfully splashed back at the little cowgirl as she fired plastic water pistols, the spitting image of her mama.

"Levy-san?"

"Haha! What is it, Juvia?" Levy was now playing a rather complex hand game with Asuka, but she glanced over at her other companion. Juvia looked tentative. Levy did not know her all that well, but for some reason Juvia had never developed the somewhat terrifying love-rival complex with Levy, which made their interactions somewhat less—tense.

"How does Levy-san do that?"

"Do what?"

"Play with the child."

Levy laughed. "Well for starters, _Levy-san_ calls her by her name! Why do you ask?"

Juvia squirmed somewhat—but for all her shyness, she was _not_ one to beat around the bush. "B-because, Juvia wishes to please Gray-sama."

Levy continued to do the hand motions with Asuka, but her mind was focused on Juvia's words. She herself would never be able to understand the complete, self-sacrificing devotion the other woman had for Gray (_Gray, _of all people!), but Levy made a point of trying not to judge others. In this particular case, Levy needed some clarification on just how playing with children had anything to do with "pleasing Gray-sama".

"Juvia, what do you mean?"

"W-well, if Juvia and Gray-sama unite in love, we may have…_children_." Juvia's pale cheeks pinked, her heart a-flutter. Levy couldn't help but smile, she could practically see Juvia's imagination taking form in front of them. Roses, shining eyes and of course, no clothes. Levy suspected that at some point along that thought line, Juvia was imagining Gray applying his stripping skills to her own body. _Honestly, and there are children nearby!_ Levy frowned to herself, realizing that perhaps a child between Juvia and Gray would not be such a good idea. With Juvia's tunnel vision when it came to the ice mage, the child would surely be neglected by its mother. Come to think of it, Gray was pretty out there too—he was too wrapped up in his own world to seem to notice Juvia's interest. What kind of a father would he make? At any rate, the likelihood of the two _uniting in love_ any time soon, let alone having a _child_ was slim. Levy was torn between indulging the poor girl in her fantasy, and preparing her for the realistic future.

"Well, how do you feel about children? Would you want one, even if it wasn't Gray's?"

Juvia paused. She had not considered this possibility. "It is impossible, for Juvia will only be with Gray," she replied, her tone a mixture of defiance and confusion. Levy decided to try again.

"Okay, but say Gray goes away—now don't freak out," she cautioned, "but what if he goes on a long job, or Mavis forbid, something happens to him? How would you feel about having a child to take care of?"

Once again, Juvia had to think. Her silence prompted Levy to speak again.

"Juvia, remember back before you met Gray? When you were a little girl? Did you ever imagine having kids of your own one day?" Levy slipped sideways, letting out a garbled cry as Asuka swung around her neck. Coughing, she sat back up and watched Juvia's face. She appeared to be thinking hard.

"…Juvia liked the idea of a sister. Juvia was lonely as a child. Juvia always said that she would have more than one child, if she had any. It is not right to have only one!" Conviction grew in her voice as she spoke, and she turned to Asuka. "Child! You must ask your parents for another one!"

Asuka shrank back slightly into Levy's lap, eying the slightly crazed water woman warily. "You mean Asu-ka?" She pronounced the last syllable very deliberately, ending on a high note. Her tiny finger pointed to her own face.

"A-Asuka-san. You must have a brother or sister!" Levy didn't bother to point out Juvia's overly formal honorific for the small child. Instead she stared with something akin to wonder. The gloomy woman's emotions had been stirred, and for once by something unrelated to Gray. Perhaps it she would not be such a bad mother.

"I like your hair. I's blue like Levy's!" The child's simple, imperfect speech was the most she had said to the other girl. Some children seem to have a sixth sense for knowing which adults around them like children. Some of these children are drawn to these adults—Asuka was not. Somewhere in her young mind she knew Juvia had never registered her, and so she in turn had not registered Juvia. Until now. She reached out and tugged gently on one of Juvia's curls, making the woman smile slightly.

"Hey Asuka, shall we teach Auntie Juvia our game?" Levy recognized the opportunity to widen her somewhat-friend's circle a little more, and decided to make the most of it.

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"Ehhh, why do I have to go with you two!" Natsu whined as the three of them walked along the dirt path. He had his arms crossed behind his head as he leaned back slightly.

"Like we wanted to go with you in the first place! I could have handled this one on my own!" Gray's retort was unsurprising. He didn't have any particular beef with Gajeel, but the fire dragon slayer had the uncanny ability to get under Gray's skin. Although if Gray was entirely honest with himself, he'd have to admit that perhaps he was easy to rile up.

Gajeel simply rolled his eyes, maintaining a slight distance behind the other two. The way he figured, the sooner they got the job done, the sooner they could go back home. This particular conversation was not interesting enough to exert himself.

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The sky was dimming by the time Happy made it back to the guild hall. His pouch was rather suspiciously bulky, so he stashed the tutu in a rarely used storeroom before joining the others in the main room. Although the older mages didn't see the need to wait until the weekend to begin drinking, or even until nightfall during the week, the raucous atmosphere definitely peaked on Saturday evenings. If Happy were the sort of Exceed to have such a conscience, he would have shuddered to think how many barrels deep Cana was already. As it was, his thoughts were still with the pink costume. He flew over the tables, scanning the crowd for a certain small figure…

"Lily!"

"I have told you before, blue one, I am Pantherlily!" The small black cat crossed his arms as he gave Happy a stern look. Happy landed in front of him, ignoring what the other cat had just said.

"Lily, heehee," he could barely contain his excitement.

"What is it?" Pantherlily was not angry, just formal.

"I have somethiiiiing!" Happy sang out in response. "Pick one, Natsu or Gajeel!"

Lily considered for a moment. After all, his response could have very serious consequences. One never knew with the blue Exceed. The gleam in Happy's eyes seemed to decide it for him.

"Gajeel. Giehee." Not only had Lily picked up his human's trademark laugh, he also had begun to reveal his own penchant for mischief.

"Heeeeeehhh," Happy breathed out, in a kind of creepy way. Like when he was eying fish. That kind of noise was usually accompanied by a trickle of drool. Actually, he seemed like he'd completely forgotten what he'd been doing. He just stood there.

"Happy." Lily snapped him out of it.

"Aye! Come, I'll show you!" Lily grinned as he spread his wings and followed the blue cat out of the main room.

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Erza took a steadying breath and examined herself in the mirror. She thought back to what Bisca had told her earlier that day. Erza had always prided herself on her strength and maturity, but it had become quite clear to the fairy that she had a long way to go in other areas. Certainly, she would never behave so…_daringly_ as her friend. But she was Titania, _queen_ of the fairies, and it was her duty to be a good role model. Especially to the other girls. She was the honorary matron of Fairy Hills, after all! What kind of example was she setting, unable to succeed in all areas of life? Yes, Erza Scarlet must not let her friends down. She must resolve things with…_him_.

Her lack of action in this area came from a strange place. She had no doubt in her mind that he cared for her, after all that they had been through it was impossible that he did not. She simply…_believed_ in herself too much to think otherwise. And yet, femininity was foreign to her and when she approached it, she became the blushing young fool she had been earlier that day. She cursed herself again, recognizing yet another fault in her duties as a role model.

Despite these acknowledgements, and despite the fact that she even referred to herself as a failure in these areas, she took herself seriously and knew her own worth. She could find areas to improve without completely destroying her own self-image. She did not know when she would see Jellal again, but she vowed to her reflection that she would become a woman worthy of the adoration and praise bestowed upon her. Perhaps, all the rest would come with that. She smiled, confident of this.

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After all the girls had bathed and Bisca had taken Asuka home for the evening, Levy and Juvia parted ways. Levy considered her options. She could either meet up with Jet and Droy and the others at the guild, or she could stay home and read the new books she had picked up from the library. The more tantalizing option won out, and she settled down in her favorite chair with the sizable stack. She wasn't more than three books deep before the door to her room was thrown open, a tall red-haired wizard towering in the frame. One hand clutched the fluffy pink towel that was covering her breasts, the other was against the now open door.

"Erza? What is it?" Levy marked her page and sat up.

"Levy, I need your assistance!" Erza sounded very serious. "A component of my vesture has disappeared!"

Fortunately, Erza's frequently strange choice of vocabulary did not faze the avid reader. "Which?" She asked simply.

"_That_ one," Erza responded darkly. Suddenly, she fell to her knees, her composure completely altered. "I…I have failed him…" Her hands rose to her face, and she gripped her hair. "He entrusted it to me, and I betrayed him!"

Levy chuckled hesitantly, "come now, Erza. Don't you think 'betrayed' is a little strong of a word?"

"No!" It was a strangled cry. Levy struggled to refrain from rolling her eyes.

"Just to be sure we are on the same page here, you mean the swan costume?" Levy had gotten up and moved over to her distraught friend. "I'm sure it is around here somewhere, have you asked the other girls? Perhaps Evergreen borrowed it?"

"She has been away with the Raijinshuu for this past week!" Erza was borderline inconsolable. This was getting out of hand.

"Alright, girl. Get up, we will go ask around at the guild, and _don't worry_, Natsu needn't hear a word of it!" Levy smiled and stood up, attempting to drag the much taller and heavier woman to her feet. With some difficulty, she managed to do so. "But you might want to get dressed first."

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It was nothing short of a miracle that by the time the sun had properly set and the Fairy Tail guild antics were in full swing, all three of the male mages had returned relatively unscathed. Gajeel was relaxing in a corner with Pantherlily, a mug of some frothy beverage in his large hand and a smirk on his face. Natsu and Gray were, for the time being, separate from one another. Natsu sat with Lucy and Happy, discussing Mavis only knows what while Romeo leaned on the table, watching Natsu avidly. Gray and Cana were at the bar arguing about which vice was worse—stripping naked on a regular, uncontrollable basis or drinking heavily with men over twice one's age. Makarov had just contemplated making his sixth drunken pass at Mirajane's ass when the doors of the guild hall were thrown open and Erza entered, followed by a much less agitated Levy. Although everyone was too sotted to pay the two women any notice, Erza froze when she saw the back of Natsu's pink head. Levy noticed too, and sighed inwardly. She realized this kind of drama was just more than she was up for dealing with tonight. Thinking quickly, she directed Erza toward the bar.

"Come on Erza, let's grab a drink first—you know, blend in!" She smiled brightly up at her friend's uncertain face.

"I…yes, you are right." Erza's features solidified as she recognized this to be a sensible plan of action. Mirajane, having avoided Markarov's groping hand with a simple swish of her long skirts, met them at the bar and smiled sweetly. While Erza was scanning the room for potential culprits, Levy leaned over the wooden surface to whisper in the barmaid's ear. Mirajane nodded knowingly and slipped a little something extra into Erza's mug before handing them over. The girls thanked her and stepped away to join their friends.

It wasn't long before the fairy queen was utterly sloshed, all memory of the missing tutu forgotten. A few hours after that, and the younger people were beginning to pass out on the tables, floor, and even the iron chandelier swinging from the ceiling. The older mages continued their party around them, seemingly oblivious to the large, fleshy pillows strewn throughout the guild hall.

This is when the Exceeds decided to make their move. Despite his strong tolerance, even Gajeel had joined the others asleep under the wooden benches. Pantherlily had to shift into his large form to move the heavy dragon slayer, but he managed well enough with Happy's assistance. The two worked eagerly and quickly, and when they were done they joined the others in their merry games.

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The events of the next morning proceeded in an unsurprising manner. During the night, some of the elder members had stumbled across the Exceeds' work and taken the time to document it—Reedus among them. His strong tolerance was no help to him in the morning—when Gajeel awoke, he did so later than many of the others and feeling much more hungover. He registered where he was. The cold stone floor of the guild hall—that was unsurprising. He sniffed, he listened. Lots of people—and lots of snickering? Gajeel opened his eyes. He sat up and looked around. He was quite literally surrounded by nearly the entire guild, and they had all begun to laugh their asses off. He growled, baring his teeth.

"Gajeel Redfox!" A stern voice rang out through the hall. The ring of people parted, and Erza stepped forward. "You have taken that which did not belong to you, and soiled it!" An armored finger pointed directly at him. His eyes crossed looking at it.

"The hell you talking about, woman?" He realized the finger was not directed at his face, but rather lower… he looked down. A slender, white neck... and further, pink. Lots and lots of pink. He blushed immediately and tried to cover himself. "I ain't got nothin' to do with this!" He practically yelped.

There was no stopping Titania Erza when she was in a fury. She picked the heavy man up with one hand and carried him out of the hall… and if his cries were anything to go by, it was a very fortunate thing that not a one followed to watch.

Two Exceeds hovered over the scene, grinning wickedly. One turned to the other, and laughed, "giehee!" The other high-fived him, "Aye!"

**A/N: Thanks for reading! Haven't written anything besides technical engineering papers in YEARS, so this is basically all new for me. I've been wanting to write about FT for a while now, I love the characters but can't come up with any good stories… . So tonight I sat down and cranked this out. Gotta start somewhere, right? R&R 3**


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